Love Notes: Of Loving Too Much

To my sweetheart,

I was planning to write here last night before getting some shut-eye. I was hoping you’d text me back right away so we could talk about things that happened during the day, when I was still at your house. I was waiting ’til 12:30am hoping you’d get back to me but my phone just remained silent. Your last text was at midnight, and during that 30 minute span of waiting for your reply, I felt lonely again.

Or was it just the steady rain egging me on….

I know lately I’ve been asking too much from you. You may not understand why, but I was always craving for your attention, your comforting words. Even a simple text message from you could lift me off the ground. (Don’t laugh, I meant that figuratively.) It just came to that point when I wouldn’t let my phone away from me for longer than 30 minutes, just so I wouldn’t miss a buzz from you. I would even bring it in the bathroom with me whenever I can. You may think I’m obsessing too much on you.

But isn’t that what ‘Love’ is….?

…to put yourself in a situation where you really couldn’t think of anything or anyone else, except the object of your obsession…?

Isn’t that what most writers say…?

Last night you asked why I don’t take the heart-shaped cushion with me anymore when I go to sleep. I don’t think I could anymore. Couldn’t I just take you instead…?

I wonder, does it not sadden you too when you take ‘JJ’ off to sleep…?

If there’s one thing I envy from you, it’s the fact that your love for me is just enough…enough to save some part of it to yourself. It’s a principle most lovers try to keep, and as should be, because without one, without self love, will there even be room for happiness …?

It appears logically sound. But I think, honey, this is where I’m mostly struggling at all throughout this relationship. I loved you too much…too much to care for my own, too much that I keep shrugging off some hurting along the way.
It feels so wrong, too wrong, not because I regretted loving you obsessively, but because I have hurt you many times in the past for it.

I could never equate your love against mine. I could never force you to love me equally. And I would always find myself expecting too much, maybe the same kind of ‘love’ that I was having for you. Except that I wouldn’t want you to. I would never ask you to love me more than what you are giving me already. Maybe my true aim for this letter is simply to try and make you understand the things I’ve been doing. Because I’m not proud of the things I put you through. My love is not normal. And I know, more than anyone else, that you deserve a love that is easy and by-the-book, the fairytale kind, not the overly complicated one.

I’m really sorry honey, for everything…

~ by Pixel on May 8, 2009.